


Lost

by xSoliloquy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 2014, All of the Feelings, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Broken Castiel, Closure, Coda if you squint, Desperate Dean, Endverse, Episode: s05e04 The End, Exploring the Mind of 2014!Dean, Exploring the Reasons Cas Fell, Happy Ending, Heaven, Hopeful Ending, Implied Soul Mates, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, Love Confessions, Loyalty, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, POV Dean Winchester, Pining Dean, Reflection of the Past, Sacrifice, Samifer - Freeform, Tragedy, hopelessness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 17:45:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1096744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xSoliloquy/pseuds/xSoliloquy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So. Dean loved Cas. Cas loved Dean. It didn't change <i>anything.</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>He was standing on a dock, facing a lake on a bright summer day. The temperature was perfect, wind blowing the scent of pine and honeysuckle directly to him.</i></p><p>  <i>Dean gazed out across the water, sun glinting on the surface and making it sparkle. He wasn't quite sure what was going on, but he knew this place. He'd been here in a dream, the last time, and he hadn't been alone. Curious and almost expectant, Dean turned around. </i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost

Dean knew what Cas was trying to do. Of course he did, he knew Cas as well as he knew himself. When the virus started spreading, when Heaven locked itself up tight and the angels all packed up and left, he'd watched the man slowly degrade. Tried to help, but there was nothing Dean could do to stop it. He had just watched as his angel lost that brilliant shine that had always been in his vibrant blue eyes, and there hadn't been a goddamn thing he could do to stop it.

At first, when this world was still new to them and the hopelessness of their situation hadn't yet began to sink in, to strip away at their compassion and their humanity, Dean had apologized so many times to his angel. He had screamed himself hoarse and until he was blue in the face to any angels that might be listening that he'd changed his mind - He would say yes to Michael, finally, if only they would come restore his angel. Save Castiel and all of his innocence and purity from this fucked up new world. But no one had answered his prayers, because no one was listening anymore.

The fall was almost like watching Cas die slowly. His grace was fading away without having access to Heaven to recharge his holy batteries, and every day seemed to be harder than the last - the angel was haggard and broken and losing hope. Dean felt like he had failed him, like there was something he should be doing that would fix all of this. It had always been his job to fix things, and he had always managed to find a way do so up until now. Now, when it really counted, Dean found that there wasn't a _goddamn_ thing that he could do about it. He started to hate himself and the world around him, because how the _fuck_  was this fair? How the hell was Dean worth a damn thing if he couldn't save the people he cared about?

He grew steadily more apathetic after the situation with Sam. He'd tried to reach his brother many times before the cell towers went down, always having his calls ignored. After the service stopped he would send scouts to different areas to try to gain information on his missing brother, but they only ever hit dead ends. Bobby was part of one of those scouting groups a couple of years ago. He had insisted on it and, when the party returned carrying the broken and bloody bodies of those who hadn't made it, including the man who'd always been like a father to him, Dean felt his heart deaden even more. He was losing everything and he couldn't stop it.

Cas started spiraling out of control a year ago. He had held out and remained strong for so long, Dean wasn't sure he could blame him. Wasn't sure he really wanted to anyway. The man, because that's what he'd become now, had lost all but a tiny broken shard of his grace. That shard was barely enough to let Cas recognize auras, true visages, but not enough to let him use his old powers. Cas had joked once, stoned on something, that the little bit of grace he retained had to have been left just to remind him of what he'd lost and could never again have.

The drugs, the sex, the alcohol - It all seemed to come at once and was far too out of control by the time Dean realized what was happening. He'd been too busy looking for news of Sam, going on raids, and screwing random women to check out of reality for a little while to keep an eye on the ex-angel. They hadn't had a decent conversation in six months at that point, and when he finally noticed the rumors going around through the camp refugees- noticed the medicine missing from the supply rooms, the copious amounts of alcohol always requested on supply runs- it had been much too late. When he found out about the sex, he'd nearly lost his mind. This shattered man had been his nerdy, innocent angel- how had things gotten to be like this?

He eventually confronted Cas about it.

“Don't you understand?” Cas had asked Dean, head tilting and sending a pang straight to the hunter's heart. “Heaven... it was just a place filled with dicks to you, but to me it was home. It was absolution, belonging; there was a soothing peace in the quiet of the Host that I haven't found anywhere in this world, not for years.”

“So, what? You're staying doped up and screwing everyone because you're homesick?” Dean asked, receiving a sad smile from the ex-angel for his trouble.

“You really _don't_ understand, do you?”

“This isn't _you_ , Cas.”

Cas huffed a laugh, face lighting up with synthetic mirth. The man laughed a lot now, but it was never real. “I could return the observation, Dean.”

Dean didn't bring it up again after that.

He threw himself into hunting for the Colt and taking care of the people who relied on him, ignoring the stream of people who went to Cas' cabin. He ignored the drugs and alcohol, ignored the ache in his chest when he thought of the former angel.

Dean dreamed every night of blue eyes filled with electric power, black shadows of wings that spanned out impossibly wide. He saw Castiel smile his old, awkward smile; the one that never looked quite comfortable on the angel's lips but was always achingly genuine. The one Dean hadn't seen in years.

The day Cas broke his ankle and was almost killed by a couple of croats, Dean told him he loved him.

“You don't love me, Dean.” Cas told him, laying in his bed on a mountain of pillows. His expression was resigned, sad and pained. “You don't even know me."

Dean had stopped speaking to Cas after that, stung by the rejection. He sent others to convey messages and went back to doing his work, killing crazy infected people and looking for the colt. He wasn't able to resist completely, he did keep tabs on the man if only to assure that he healed correctly, and didn't overdose and actually kill himself.

The day Dean's past self arrived in their time, he almost put a bullet through his head just to put him out of his misery. He didn't though, and he tried to carry on with the plan he'd hashed out with the people he trusted most to back him up. They would be getting the colt in the raid that day. Then he, Risa, Cas, Chuck and Tony had planned to ambush the place they'd discovered Lucifer was currently holed up in when they got their hands on the gun. It was already laid out what everyone's roll was.

Risa was a girl he trusted with a gun and had a semi-regular sexual relationship with. He wasn't _with_ her in the normal sense, he still sought out others when he wanted something different, but she was attached to him for some ungodly reason and it was easy to just go to her most of the time instead of talking himself into some other girl's pants. She also had never slept with Cas, which made her an even better choice. Dean tried to avoid the ones that had.

He had wanted to argue with Cas when the ex-angel had suggested that he lead the group into the building while Dean went around the back. They'd be the distraction needed to get the croats off Dean's ass so he could finally snuff out Lucifer. What Cas was suggesting for the rest of them was a suicide mission- there were croats in spades all over the compound, no way anyone waltzed in there and came back out- but Dean knew that the other man was well aware of that fact. The gleam in those deadened blue eyes gave away the fierce intelligence behind the stoner front. And that was when Dean knew what Cas was trying to do.

Dean had tried to tell him, tried to make the version of himself from the past understand. Say yes to Michael, and he could prevent all of this. He could save Sam, Bobby. The ' _Save Cas._ ' went unspoken, because he couldn't bring himself to actually say it, but he hoped to hell the other Dean knew. That he understood.

But Dean was a stubborn ass, set in his ways, and he always had been.

He left his past self in his cabin, locked up with handcuffs he knew weren't going to hold against Dean Winchester and a makeshift lock pick. He knew his younger self would get out and he wondered what his reaction would be when he met Cas. Cas, who wasn't _Cas_. Or hell, maybe he was, maybe the man was just too damn broken to be recognizable as the former angel anymore.

Dean went with the others to get the colt, resolutely throwing the entire situation out of his mind. Whether former Dean was there or not, it didn't change his reality. The show must go on, and all that shit.

Tony was infected on the raid. Dean shot him, put a bullet straight through his head right in front of his past self, who stood stunned beside the dirt road. Cas was standing in the background, near the path that lead up to his cabin. He was giving the past version of Dean a soft look, like he was sorry he'd had to see that. Dean had frowned, irked for some reason that Cas was showing genuine concern to the past Dean; sincerity, an emotion he lacked the rest of the time.

“He was infected, there was nothing else I could do.” Dean told his past self in a flat tone, leveling a glare at him. The other Dean looked angry as shit, fists clenched like he would strike out at him. For some unfathomable reason, Dean felt the need to add, “He was a good man.”

Cas looked at him then, appearing faintly surprised by the admission. Dean just ignored him and shoved past the others, stomping to his cabin and the bottle of scotch awaiting him.

Later, when Risa, past Dean, Chuck and Cas were gathered in Dean's cabin and they were rehashing the final details of their plan of attack, Dean impatiently held back the urge to throttle his past self when he started poking at the Risa-is-pissed-cause-you're-a-whore situation. Risa was glaring between them both, like it was both their faults, but Dean was too busy glaring at his younger version and pretending not to notice how Cas looked blankly down at the table between them to care.

The younger Dean made a comment that caused Cas to laugh suddenly. It was a deep, amused sound that was genuine and it floored Dean. Why was Cas acting so... _real_ around this other Dean? When Cas looked at him and saw his expression, he smirked.

“What?” He asked, lips tilted up and a gleam in his eyes that made them almost look like they used to, “I like past you.”

It was a simple, innocent statement. It shouldn't have made Dean feel like he'd been sucker punched. He frowned, remembering the day he'd told Cas how he felt. Dean's expression flattened when he realized Cas was looking at him like he was thinking about it too.

“Are you coming, or not?” He bit out.

It was just him being an asshole, because of course Cas was coming.

Cas followed Dean everywhere, even to Hell.

The ex-angel volunteered to drive past Dean to the compound. It made his stomach clench, angered him beyond reason, but Dean let it go at length with a quiet exhale. Knowing what was awaiting them all, he figured Cas could have whatever he wanted. If he wanted to spend his last couple hours with the Dean he used to be, he wasn't going to stop the ex-angel.

He made Risa take another vehicle with Chuck, opting to drive alone. Dean didn't feel like being around anyone right now, he needed the solitude. He didn't want to pretend to be perfectly fine, or even fight with Risa about what's-her-name, a situation he could really give a fuck about.

Dean climbed into the vehicle, briefly lamenting that it wasn't his baby, before he made sure his gun was loaded and clicked the CB radio on. “Double check your gear and let's move out.”

Risa and Cas answered affirmatives across the airwaves.

It was a few miles out when the silence in Dean's vehicle was broken by conversation. At first he was confused, not knowing where the voices were coming from, until he recognized Cas' deep tone. Maybe Cas' CB button was stuck or something, because Dean could hear every word of the conversation happening between his younger version and the ex-angel. His heart once again clenched when he heard that genuine laugh for a second time. What the  _fuck_?

“Can I ask you something, Cas?” Past Dean's voice came through the speaker, hesitant as if he wasn't sure he actually wanted to.

“Sure, Dean. Shoot.” Cas responded, tone light like he was smiling. Dean wanted to know if the smile was real, too.

“What's up with... _me_?” The younger Dean asked slowly.

“I assume you're asking about the fearless leader.” The slightly sarcastic edge to the sentence made Dean scowl. He hated that goddamn nickname.

“Yeah, I mean, he's a fucking cold bastard. I kind of get, really, but what I don't understand...” The other man paused for a moment, then asked, “Why'd you even stick around? You two don't seem to like each other and he treats you like shit.”

Silence stretched after the last word, and Dean found himself leaning a little closer to the radio in anticipation of the answer. He wondered if Cas would be flippant and dismiss it or actually answer honestly.

“Dean is...” There was a pause, as if Cas was considering his words. He continued in a soft tone, “He's not cold. Dean is what he has to be to do what he's got to do. You can't really fathom the kind of things he has to face, every single day. It would make a lesser man shoot himself.”

Dean's heart was warmed by the words, the affection they were spoken in. Maybe Cas wasn't as careless about him as he seemed to be.

“Okay...” The word was drawn out, as if the other Dean didn't really believe that. “But you didn't answer the question, why'd you stay? You knew all this was gonna happen to you when Heaven slammed the doors, so why didn't you go back? Save yourself?”

Cas chuckled before he answered, “You still needed me, Dean. So I stayed. And maybe... Maybe home wasn't home anymore.”

“What does that even mean?” The other Dean asked, puzzled, but Cas didn't answer.

Dean thought- hoped- he knew.

When the two started talking about mundane things, Dean flicked the radio off and rode the rest of the way in contemplative silence.

They were crouched outside of the building later, readying their weapons and going briefly over the plan for the final time. His counterpart started tensing up when he heard Dean talk about Cas and the rest going in and he knew that his younger version had caught on to the implication of that. The younger Dean finally saw what Cas was trying to do, but he thought Dean was the one doing it. And he didn't bother correcting his past self, not wanting to taint his view of Cas.

It almost made Dean laugh when the other one asked to speak to him, as if he could do anything to change Cas' mind. They stepped away from the other two, but Dean knew Cas could still hear them from this distance. He glanced over and briefly caught the ex-angel's eye before said man turned away, cocking his handgun and pretending not to be eavesdropping.

Dean only half listened to the growing rant that his younger self was working up, insinuating that he was a heartless bastard and was he _really_ going to let Cas die? The words struck a cord within him, it pissed him off. How dare this little shit imply that he didn't care about Cas?

It was slightly embarrassing how little force he had to put behind the blow that knocked his past self out, and if the action was slightly more satisfying than it should've been due to how pissed the fuck off Dean was then no one was the wiser. He stared down at this past version for a moment, wondering at the differences between what this world had made of him and what he used to be.

“That escalated quickly.” Cas said, standing to the right of Dean and staring down at the unconscious version. The ex-angel appeared amused by the entire incident.

“He was going to be a problem.” Dean said simply, turning away from the irritating reminder of who he used to be, a person who still had faith in the world. Cas snorted.

“Like you weren't itching to do that from the second he got here.”

Dean didn't respond, staring at the ex-angel stonily. Cas let the stare roll off of him like he was entirely unaffected, crouching down to the unconscious man. He put a hand on his head, expression thoughtful as he regarded him. Dean frowned, anger suddenly intensifying as he observed the gentle gesture.

“I don't understand you,” Dean told him after a minute, looking away from the two to stare at the building. “Maybe you were right and I _don't_ know who you are anymore.”

A stretch of silence met his words, before Cas let out a huff of a laugh that was mostly hollow. “Do you know what an angel's purpose is, Dean?”

The question threw him off. Cas _never_ brought up angels or Heaven anymore, not since all of this happened and he lost his will to keep pretending he was fine. Brow furrowed, Dean held silent until the man decided to continue despite not having been answered.

“An angel is made to love. They are meant to love their Father and all of their Father's creations. To put Him and all others above themselves, to die for them indiscriminately. Lucifer loved the wrong way, the way angels aren't meant to, and because he put his love above all else he was cast out of Heaven.”

Dean stayed silent, wondering where the ex-angel was going with all of this. It was the most words they'd spoken since that night when Dean had told the other man how he felt. He didn't know what had prompted this lesson on angels, but he held his tongue until the other man was finished.

“You think I stayed because I had more to do here, or that I had a choice.” Cas said quietly, running his fingers through the other Dean's hair. He kept his eyes on the strands as he spoke. “I wouldn't have been welcome had I returned, not after everything. I would have been cast down just like Lucifer.”

“Why?” Dean managed, working around the lump that had suddenly developed in his throat. He felt like something big was happening here, something that had been hanging between them unmentioned for years. And it hurt, knowing that it was too late.

“I broke the rules for you, Dean.” Cas said with a humorless smile, finally turning his eyes on the man. He studied Dean with a sober intensity that the other man hadn't seen on the ex-angel since he fell.

“For freedom. For free will.” Dean supplied, staring at him.

“You'd think that, wouldn't you?” Cas said as he stood, brushing a hand over his shirt absently. He stepped closer to Dean, into his personal space and stared him down. It was the closest they had been in years. “You're such a self-centered prick, you know that?”

“What?” Dean asked, thrown by the comment. Cas just rolled his eyes at him.

“You only consider your mission, whatever it is you're trying to do to fix the world. You've always been that way.” The ex-angel glanced at the unconscious man briefly, as if he proved his point, before turning those deep blue eyes back on him. “I fell because I loved _you_ so much I put all of _your_ wants and convictions above all else, I put _you_ and _your_ safety above all other orders. And you're an absolute dick, but I have never regret it.”

Dean didn't even get a second to really digest the words before Cas' hands were grabbing him, framing his face as he crushed their mouths together and kissed him like Dean was air and he was suffocating without him. It was a fierce kiss filled with passion and words that had been left unspoken for far too long, it was bittersweet and long overdue and much, much too late in coming.

In a blink Cas had pushed away from him and was already marching toward the building, the others joining behind him silently. He made it halfway to the structure before Dean's senses flooded back into him and he snapped into action.

“Cas!” He yelled, voice breaking slightly on the name. The ex-angel ignored him even as he burst forward to try and catch him, but he wasn't quick enough and before he could reach Cas, he and the rest of the group were entering the building. Walking into their deaths.

It was several seconds before Dean could figure out what the hell he was expected to do now. Cas loved him, a revelation Dean had long since stopped hoping for. What did that leave him with though, honestly? At this point it wasn't like they could ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. The words didn't change what was happening, didn't change the fact that Sammy was possessed by Lucifer and Dean was about to try to kill them both, or that Cas had just willingly walked into an ambush of croats that would kill him.

So. Dean loved Cas. Cas loved Dean. It didn't change _anything_.

But it did make it a little easier for him to walk to the back of the building, to face his brother's body, hijacked by the devil, and level the colt on him. That Cas loved him strengthened his resolve to do what he had to, it helped release him from any remaining reservations about doing this. Nothing was left unsaid, now it would be easier to let go now. Maybe that was why Cas had finally done it. It didn't really matter at this point anyway. Dean didn't expect to live through this, either.

It was quick. The bullet burrowed into the middle of Sam's forehead and for a moment Dean thought it had worked, Sam's eyes had dimmed slightly and he was sure he'd managed to kill Lucifer and his brother both. Before he even had a moment to really register that something was wrong, Dean found himself flat on his stomach on the ground of the garden.

He heard gunshots from within the building as a heavy pressure settled on his neck, knew immediately when the sounds stopped that Cas and the others were dead. Dean felt what was left of his heart break in that moment, and Lucifer began speaking.

“I really am sorry it has to end like this. It grieves me that Castiel had to die like that,” The voice was Sam's, but it was way too silky to really be him. Dean stared straight ahead at a rose bush and didn't say anything in response, but Lucifer continued, uncaring, “He was a good soldier, if he had never known you he would not have met this fate.”

Dean wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up and just kill him already. That's obviously where this was headed, what was with the dialogue? He didn't want to be reminded in the last few moments of his life how thoroughly he had destroyed his angel.

“It's a shame, it really is. My baby brother learned how to be free, how to make his own choices, only to be torn down by the very man that had inspired him to want it. It might be amusing if it weren't so tragic.”

“Fuck you.” Dean spat, the pressure on his neck increasing after his words. He caught sight of his past self running into the garden a moment before the pressure became too much and his neck was broken with an audible snap.

His vision was fading to black, darkness seeping in from the edges and he could feel his soul slipping away. Right before the darkness took him, Dean thought he saw a flash of blue.

He didn't know how long he floated in that darkness, unfeeling and unknowing of anything. It was pleasant and peaceful, as much as not thinking and not feeling could be. And maybe that was what his Heaven was supposed to be- a hunter weary of life and tired from existing, just having and knowing nothing, being eternally at peace. Dean could get on board with that.

All too soon light flooded in, stinging his eyes and blinding him. When he finally managed to blink away the harshness, let his eyes adjust, he took in a familiar sight before him. He was standing on a dock, facing a lake on a bright summer day. The temperature was perfect, wind blowing the scent of pine and honeysuckle directly to him.

Dean gazed out across the water, sun glinting on the surface and making it sparkle. He wasn't quite sure what was going on, but he knew this place. He'd been here in a dream the last time, and he hadn't been alone. Curious and almost expectant, Dean turned around.

Cas was standing at the edge of the dock, in dark jeans and a white button up. His eyes were locked on Dean, and they were the electric blue he hadn't seen them in so long. Cas was smiling, a genuine smile that lit up his face and tugged at the heart Dean hadn't thought he had anymore.

Thinking about what happened the last time they'd been together, Dean couldn't stop himself from rushing forward even if he'd wanted to. He grabbed Cas, pulled him forward until their breaths mingled and green eyes were locked onto blue. " _Cas._ "

Castiel tilted his head, blue eyes filled with happiness. His smile grew as he brought a hand up to cup Dean's cheek. “Hello, Dean.”

**Author's Note:**

> The name for this fic, _Lost_ came from the song _Lost in You_ by _Three Days Grace_ , which was where the inspiration behind this fic came from. Just a little trivia for anyone who's interested to know.   
>  
> 
> _Thank you for reading my story. <3 _


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